Spike's Place: Domestic Violence

In the "Simple Things to Make People's Lives Easier" file goes this initiative from Minnesota Secretary of State Mary Kiffmeyer:

Secretary of State Mary Kiffmeyer is proposing a new state program that would help victims of domestic violence protect their addresses from their attackers.

Under the program, Kiffmeyer's office would establish an official mailing address where recipients would receive all their first-class mail. It would then be privately forwarded to their places of residence.

Kiffmeyer says it'll help victims of domestic violence establish more stable homes and not be forced to move because their attackers discover where they live.

Lawmakers from both parties are supporting Kiffmeyer's bill. Though it comes too late in the session to be introduced as a separate bill, Kiffmeyer says she will seek to make it part of an overall public safety spending bill.

She says it'll only cost about $180,000.

Part of me is wondering what about this program would cost that much, is domestic violence such a widespread problem that it costs $180,000 to re-route victims mail? Then you look at statistics from reports like these which show that there were 13,145 Domestic Abuse Orders For Protection Filings in Minnesota in 2003 alone. So yeah, maybe it is that widespread a problem. In any case, it looks like a great program and one that's easy to implement and save people the terror of being found by their abusive ex-partners.

How's this for a little nugget of useful info from the Fort Wayne Sentinel:

Do you wonder why domestic violence is on the rise?

We know that domestic violence is occurring in one out of every three homes. The news is full of these stories. Something crazy is fueling that violence.

That "something" is stress.

Here's a simple "formula" for violence: First of all, stress that is ongoing, turns into frustration.

Unresolved, frustration turns into anger. When anger is continually fed by more frustration, this anger will explode into violence.

Something tells me this "formula" is a little too simple. No mention of the roots of controlling behavior in attachment disorders, fear of abandonment, or any of the many other issues that have been documented as the underlying causes of domestic violence. On the bright side, the authors of this Op-Ed are selling a book about how to manage stress in your life, so at least their simplistic assessment of domestic violence is geared towards benefiting themselves financially.

OK, that's enough sarcasm. It is true that stress does increase the incidence of domestic violence, somewhat, but lots of people live with lots of stress and they don't go hitting their partners. And their naïve prescription of setting aside 20 minutes each night for partners to talk to each other would be laughable if it weren't so dangerous.

Domestic violence is a complex topic. It cannot be fixed by one partner. No amount of compliments or loving words coming from one spouse will heal a violent partner.

However, if both partners in a marriage or intimate relationship start verbally supporting each other, things can change.

"My husband had become verbally violent over the last two years," says a woman we'll call Sharon. "A lot of this has been caused because his company wants him to work 90 hours each week!"

Sharon finally told her husband that she wanted to make a pact with him.

"I told him that I wanted things to improve," she explains. "I told him we each needed to do our part."

This technique actually works in the fairy-tale land these authors describe. In the real world, her partner would probably cut her off from her family because they were filling her head with "crazy ideas." I mean, what decade was this article written in? Are the people highlighted in this article even remotely representative of domestic violence cases as a whole? I agree with the authors that communication is vital to resolving abuse, but perhaps it should take place in a professional environment where the safety of each person is assured and where manipulation and control can be checked by an impartial observer. Maybe this professional could even help resolve some of the underlying issues leading to abuse. I don't think a new stressful job is all of it.